A war cry

On Christmas day we got a surprise visit from the Blancatrix. She brought us some lovely really fresh fruit and some sorbet. About half a teaspoon per chimp, but better than nothing. Some more hand me down clothes for Melba (there's progress here). And a few dumb toys for all of us, as if all we can do is throw a doggie ball around. Still I was amazed. Could it be that she has feelings? Feelings for us? It'd never crossed my mind.

Another thing. Xelsior has been watching movies on hulu and the like, things like Rambo and Hulk. I suspect he thinks they're real. That they're real people doing real stuff. Cute. He came to me all excited and told me and Stellar.
- I got it. For Lil Jack. We gotta fight our way out of this place and find his mother. It's that simple. With a few hand grenades and automatic weapons, we can do it.
Stellar and I didn't even have to say anything, like, uh, where would we get the grenades and weapons? Still we looked at each other. We looked at Xelsior pretending to shoot through the walls. We looked at Melba trying on her new dress up clothes. At Lil Jack sucking his thumb in a corner with a forelorn look in his eyes.
- He's got a point, said Stellar.
I nodded. More later. OO-oo-aa-aa, oo-oo-aa-aa. A war cry.

Byerk. It's Xmas Eve

Hello, out there, this is Chimp-ion talking. I am not in a good mood. I am in fact in a filthy mood. So filthy that I am not even putting a picture up. I've been putting up all these pretty pictures, and what do I get in return? Nothing. In fact you need to send me a picture for a change and I'll post it. Get it?

Anyway. Everybody's been soooo excited about Christmas around here. I'm talking about the animals in the white coast, not us noble creatures. Uh-hum. We're not looking forward to it, because it means minimum staff, minimum attention, minimum food which is even less fresh than usual. I'm planning on retiring to a corner as we speak, and nobody bother me, OK? AAA-OOOOOO-AAAAA-OOO. Checking out.

A very angry Xelsior

This is not a picture of Xelsior this morning, OK, I repeat, not Xelsior!

Hum. Was Xelsior angry with me this morning. I thought maybe he would not realize I had unburdened Lil Jack on him, but if he's not a genius (that's me) he's not as dumb as I think him to be. He came all puffing steam at me:
- Hey, what did you think you were doing, having Lil Jack sleep with me? I didn't sleep a wink! I'm going to knock you out and you're going to sleep for a long long time.
Two things about Xelsior. Which prove that it was not a wise choice. He really really hates to be woken up, sleep is his thing, he says sleeping is the best part of his day. And when he gets mad he scratches and he bites and he's big, way bigger than me, even if we're about the same age. I tried to calm him down while jumping around to avoid his punches:
- Ok, ok, I didn't know. Sorry. We need to find a solution. Calm down now. Let's talk. Use words. Melba, Stellar, help! Heeeelp!
Finally, Melba and Stellar who were playing some kind of game in the corner came to my rescue. Stellar spoke first.
- We need to find a solution for Lil Jack.
- Well, yeah, I said, you haven't had him yet, I think it's your turn, Stellar.
She replied, very cool like, she can be really annoying.
- Try to be a bit more mature, Chimp-ion. We have a problem with Lil Jack and we need to solve it. Anybody has ideas?
- We could have him drink beer before he goes to sleep. That'll keep him quiet.
- Brilliant, Chimp-ion, brilliant. We're friends with Lil Jack, right? We like him?
We all had to agree we did like Lil Jack.
- The solution seems really simple to me. We need to find his Mom, added Stellar.
We were speechless.

Happinessss! SSSleep!!

Happiness. After four night of being kept awake by Mr. Lil jack, I have managed to unload the small adorable baby onto Xelsior. Tried the same trick Melba did on me: he's sooo cute. He soooo would like to spend some time with you, because you're soooo cool. He sooooo would like to spend the night with you. Xelsior should have suspected something, as i was so tired I could hardly stand on my paws. Legs. Whatever. Anyway gotta run because I'm falling asleep on this computer as I write. So, see you all soon, xoxoxo, and AAAAA-OOOOOO-zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

X - O - shion (exhaustion but I'm too tired to spell)

Melba pulled her sweetest face trick on me last night, and I was stupid enough to fall for it.
- Listen, Chimp-ion, Jack would loooove to sleep with you tonight... He thinks you're soooo cool.... I'd miss him, but just for a couple of nights, OK?
So Lil Jack came and we slept together. Let me rephrase this: he slept, I didn't. For a start, he couldn't go to sleep. He was sucking his little thumb, schluk schluk schluk schluk. Then he'd take his thumb out and tell me how much he misses him Mom. Yeah, well I've been there, I know what it's like. OK, I wasn't quite as small as Lil Jack, but still. I'd hug him, and cuddle him to quiet him down. Finally he felt asleep. I got ready to sleep, but five minutes later, I had his foot on my nose. Then he rolled over and his stomach was over my mouth. I pushed him off as gently as I could. He woke up and started crying. Stellar immediately starts yelling at me:
- Can't you comfort the poor thing?
Sigh. So I spent another half hour rocking him. Lil Jack is back to sleep. And he rolled all over me the whole night. I didn't want to push him off, as Melba and the others had been really aggravated. Today I'm sleep walking. Melba's giggling in corners. I'll get her for that. So is Stellar. Either I get Xelsior to take Lil Jack with him tonight, or I need to find another solution. More later. Aaaah Ooooooh (tired aaaaah, tired oooooh)

By the way, the image above is me exhausted. I made it on the computer. I know, it looks more like a human, Stellar already told me, but what can a chimp do, it's a program created by humans!

Sick and tired

I've been sick. It's been pretty miserable. And the photo above is NOT ME being sick and miserable, OK?! They took me away from my cellmates into a different room. I was alone most of the time, no computer, no TV, no magazines, just a few lame toys that even Jack wouldn't have fun playing with. Just lying there on my mat. No bed for us, oh no. I look up on the Internet these incredible beds with lacy sheets, big thick pillow, plump mattresses. I call Melba over, hey, come and check out what THEY sleep on. But back to my sick room.. I really wasn't feeling good. Every part of my body ached, my head hurt, my throat. Only treat: a kind of thick syrup they fed me in a funny plastic spoon with markings. The assistant forgot the bottle once near the mat. I drank almost the whole thing at one go, to make up for my miserable day. I left some, so it wouldn't be too obvious that I had swallowed the whole thing. When Blancatrix came for her turn to look after me, she looked at the level in the bottle and seemed a bit surprised. She looked at me, and I put on my most stupid look. Tried cute too, but I'm not as good as Melba at it. Anyway she left it at that. Finally after four days of solitary confinement, I was returned to my friends. They were very sweet, came and hugged me and scratched behind my ears. Even Jack was excited to see me. Apparently he's still really sad. Melba has taken him with her at night, he cuddles right up and cries himself to sleep.

Little Jack our new baby chimp

Unbelievable. We got a new inmate this morning. The youngest of youngest chimpanzee we've ever seen in a lab. What will they bring next? A newborn? I'm calling him Jack (not his real name, and the pic above is NOT of Jack, OK?). He's really cute. And has no idea what's happening to him. He's asking where his Mom went and when he'll see her again. I'm like, Jack, forget about your Mom, OK? Melba here is as sweet as any Mom. Melba cuddles him and rocks him to sleep, but Little Jack's having a hard time. Poor thing. I remember when they took me away from my Mom. How tough and unbelievable it was. And I wasn't as young as Little Jack.
Oh, I also wanted to let you know that I have the computer thing so under control! The computer room is next to the one where we sleep. End of the afternoon, I slip a few pieces of straw (Stellar braids them for me) between the door and the frame, where the lock is. The afternoon screw (Stellar's word, remember?) pulls the door behind him. That's enough to lock the door. I force myself to wait until I hear the main door close in the distance, and, tala, I pull on the straws, gently, gently, and the door opens up. Yipee. The night and the Internet are mine. See you later, I'm working on my facebook. Did you befriend me, huh, did you? Oo-oo-aa-aa-oo-oo-aa-aa!

Success but too big

Stellar was right again. I'm getting a little bit irritated that she's had all the great ideas recently. Well, the idea of using the razor for our ends was mine, and I'm proud of it. Anyway, believe it or not, it looks like Blancatrix is going to yield to Melba's cute behavior. Our charming mate has been pointing to the Blancatrix' clothes and making the "I want" gesture. She also points out at clothes on advertising pictures, etc. etc. Making the sweetest, most angelic face. Blancatrix has been all excited by all this. She's been in furious discussions with her favorite assistant of the moment, el Michael-o.
- Can you believe this, Michael? It's so interesting.
- Why do you think Melba wants clothes, Professor?
- I wonder if she's identifying with us. We need to investigate, it'll make a wonderfully interesting article.
Yesterday she brought in one of her old blouses. Melba put it on. It was way too big. Blancatrix was watching her and taking notes. Melba acted miserable because it was too big. She kept on walking on the sleeves and falling on her face. Hope the Blancatrix got the message and brings clothes which are the right size. Melba is hoping for the little outfit on the right. Will keep you posted.

Facebook! I'm in!

I am so excited. I'm on facebook! Yeah! And the joker who said facebook means food is in trouble! Now I'm hoping to make some friends, so look for me, chimp-ion Uh-hum, that's how you'll find me. They asked for a last name. Huh? A last name? Waddyszat? I haven't got a last name, lucky enough I have a first one, not all chimps are that lucky. So befriend me, I don't want to be the chimp on facebook who only has 2 friends. More tomorrow!

the clothes problem

We're working hard on the clothes. Well, thinking hard. We're stalling. Even Stellar hasn't been able to come up with anything dead solid. The only clothes we could have access to are the white lab coats our jailers wear when they're in here. I suppose they don't want to get dirty or something. I suggested stealing stuff, like jackets, hats, scarves of visitors, but that leaves our charming behinds naked and that won't do. Stellar has another plan which seems impossible to me. She says Melba who's very sweet should signal to the Blancatrix that she'd like to wear clothes. See where that gets us. By the way, Stellar says we should call our jailers "screws". Don't know why. As far as I'm concerned screws are these cute little metal things in equipment and stuff. If I manage to get a few out using my teeth and nails and I hide them inside a banana peel, it's a joy to see the whole team going insane, down on their knees crawling around the place. We pretend to be puzzled by their poor acrobatics.

Speaking of bananas, today I offered myself a pic of a big bunch of juicy looking fruit. Let me tell you, the fruit we get doesn't look like that. Usually comes in a mean looking plastic bowl, either too hard or too ripe. I mean, where do they get the stuff?

2 vaary important nyooz

Today you get a picture of a mighty cute chimp. It is NOT me. It's just a chimp, OK?

Now for the important business. I have two super important news for you. You know how pretty much Blancatrix and her assistants can do pretty much anything they like with us? Well check this out:

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/europe/article4220884.ece

Did you read it? I mean, did you read it or what? It says, and I read it's not some crazy chimp in a lab putting on a prank, that in Spain, apes (that's me and a few other dudes) have legal rights. Yep. Legal rights. Can't monkey around with chimps anymore in Spain, no stupid commercials on TV where we're made to look like fool. Over. Dignity at last. I can't get over it. Came across it as I was surfing for all things chimp on the Internet. That's news number one. Read below for news number two, which is not completely unrelated.

Do you remember how Stellar shaved her face and looked so weird? We were talking both of us how crazy that was. Would never have thought that under our cute brown hair, we'd look as ugly as them. Not quite as ugly, but still, a big shock. She said, can you imagine if we wore their clothes too, we could look like one of their young ones. And that's how we got the idea. Do I need to say more? If I do, you'll have to wait for next time, because I gotta get busy here. OO-aa-oo-aa, onward.

Not good

Not a good day today. We spent hours going through exercises, like, the Blancatrix shows me an image. If it's a cherry I point to the word cherry on the computer. Real rocket science. I get it wrong a few times, just to keep her interested, and then right, and she's all happy. Gives me a few treats. After a few hours of this, I was so fed up. I started getting every single one wrong, hoping she'd leave me off. She was talking to her assistant, telling him my pattern of right and wrong was very strange. Yeah, well, obviously as I show her I know some really hard stuff and pretend to not understand some totally simple stuff that even Xelsior can get. I'm thinking my strategy is not working well, as she's becoming so interested in me. I had to admit, I like a bit of attention plus I get some treats, plus she's almost cute when she jumps out of her seat and goes: well done, well done, chimp-ion (not my real name, remember?) With all that I have only another minute on this computer before they come and switch it off, no listening to music today, no roaming around. So I didn't get a pic too make my post look pretty, no time for that.

A bit of music

Hey, check it out, I added a little picture too.
Xelsior has shown me how to listen to music on the computer. I was surprised, and a bit vexed, that he should show me anything. I mean, I'm always showing stuff to him. Basic stuff like how to have two windows open so the Blancatrix doesn't see what we're doing when she comes in, I'm sure you're familiar with that little technique. Instead of writing I'm going to listen to a few tracks. I don't know anything, I was thinking, Britany Spears, 'cause I see her name all over the place, and maybe Jimi Hendrix 'cause some of you like him. Uh, and that's it, but feel free to send recommendations. I prefer the kind of music you can climb to or scratch to.

Chimp with razor! Watch out!

Interesting. Melba has started playing around with the razor. The one we stole from the journalist. Xelsior thought it was an iPod. It was hard work convincing him you could not get music out of that thing. Stellar managed to plug it in when we were alone and did some work on her face. When she was done, we were speechless. She looked like one of them. Our jailers. Not as ugly, because her face is not so flat with those horrible, long, pointy noses that they have. And their plucky tight lips. But still. We were rolling around, laughing our heads off.
- Hey, Stellar, - I said. You're going to get us all in trouble when they see your face.
- Yeah, plus we'll loose the razor, they'll confiscate it.
- We might want to use it again.
We rubbed her face with old banana skins to make it brown, because her skin was amazingly pale once it was shaved. She scratched it to make it swollen and bloody. She's tough, Stellar. As soon as she heard one of our jailers come in, she rushed to her cot and lied down. It was Colokempo, Blancatrix' young assistant. He was setting up equipment for a new experiment. Stellar kept lying there, with her back to us. We thought he never would, but eventually, he did notice her. He approached her and turned her on her side. When he saw her face, he rushed out of the room. Fun for us, because we got time to play around with the electronic equipment. Blancatrix came running in and shrieked when she saw Stellar who was pretending to be too sick to get up. Stellar even managed to refuse a piece of candy that they offered her. Awesome. And now they're all worried about her, she doesn't have to do any work just getting pampered to death. Wish I had her brains.
Pffew. And have had no time no opportunity to look into getting myself a facebook.

Facebook?

I'm curious about this facebook thing. Everybody being on facebook. I wonder whether I should have a facebook, and could I have a facebook or would that be too difficult to pull. Feel free to leave me suggestions, here, friends. Could I link up with some cool dudes, like gorillas or antelopes?

A good day

Had a pretty good day today. Paid my mate Xelsior (a pseudonym, I repeat, to protect him) 20 M&M to do my exercises this afternoon. Meanwhile I surfed the web, found a few sites about fruit recipes. I have a weakness for fruit mousses, pear gratin, that kind of stuff. Let me tell you, they're not part of our daily meals. It's the raw diet here, they must think we're overweight. I also went on a few sites about Africa. They always give me a funny feeling in the stomach. Never been there myself. I remember watching wild life programs with my Mom. I was really little and hadn't been taken away from her yet. I would cuddle up on her lap, she'd scratch my head and all was good. We were watching one about Kenya and she suddenly jumped up. She was very excited.
- Look! Chimp-ion! That's your uncle Boodalaya, I could tell him apart from one million others, with those short arms and heavy built, we used to call him, "hey, human"! That's him, oh yes! And that might be my cousin Fomi, that short chap.
My Mom had lived in our homeland. I don't know how much she missed it. I think she didn't like being locked up so much, instead of roaming around. And she was used to be in a larger social group which is more fun, she said. But she liked that we were guaranteed a meal every day. Well, especially for me. And that no wild animal would catch me and run away with me in its teeth. My Mom loved me and took good care of me. I miss her. Don't even know where she is. They didn't feel they needed to tell me. OK, am getting all sentimental. Better stop here and log out. Bye. Oo-oo-aa-aa.

The loot

Good loot today: three packs of chewing gum, one Twix, one bag of M&M and an electric razor. Not sure what we'll do with that but I'll think of something. And we were, oops, gotta

Big boolahoola

I can only squeeze in a minute at the computer while everybody's running around preparing for the day. Scientists and journalists will be visiting, if I got it right. We're going to spend most of the day doing tricks while they go oh and ah. And no time to jump in on my new passion: talking to you chimps out there. Hopefully we'll get a few forbidden treats from the journalists. My mate Stellar (not real name, see previous blog) goes wild for a few minutes, pretending to bite journalists. Everybody gets really worked out and Blancatrix will go crazy trying to catch her. Meanwhile I go through their bags, sure to find some interesting stuff: chewing gum (I like watermelon), Reese cup, iPods, money. I see the dominatrix coming this way, better log off. Oo-oo-aa-aa.

At last - or - I'm the best

I've got it at last. My own blog. It was not easy. I had to pretend to give the Blancatrix a biiiig huuuug to spy her password. She always falls for it, once my hairy arms are around her neck and I put on my cutesy expression. As usual she had sit me at the computer to do all sorts of experiments and learning on the computer. All for a few pieces of half rotting pinapple. No minimal wage here. As soon as she was out of the room, I opened a new screen window, went online and I was in. My blog. Hellooooo, all you chimps out there! Time to express ourselves! OO-OO-AA, OO-OO-AA.