What next?!

Sad to see that this monkey above and his companions have been fed sugary drinks and fatty foods instead of our favorite fruits and nuts. The goal is to fatten them and study the effect of obesity. As if there weren't enough obese people to study. We don't like being fat. On behalf of my forced fattened brothers oo-aa oo-aa oo-aa oo-aa!

http://nyti.ms/ezUHRL

Hard at it!

One more proof chimps are vastly superior to humans:

http://bit.ly/bEQM4S

By the way, the pic above is NOT me feeling miserable with a headache. Don't seem to be able to get rid of it. Still working on the door system, but have made no progress. Stellar has been at her most sarcastic. Am hanging in there. Meanwhile she's busy gathering tons of information. With our prodigious memory, please refer to link above again. She's spending days and nighs (we've cracked the computer system at night, yay) investigating the world through the Internet. Includes but not limited to: public transport, weather reports, google maps, human behavior, human foods, credit cards, credit card fraud, National Parks, cruise ships, agriculture, federal passport departement, am I forgetting anything?

Getting out of here

We've got the human look together, with our clothes on. We keep our handsome long arms inside the sleeves to look like the hocks which serve as arms to humans.

Next problem: the doors. This is a high security high tech lab for some reason. Are we that precious to them? They have a swipe card to open the doors and they also have to put their palms on a pad which recognizes the hands of all those who work here. Well, have you seen me the other day working on my keyboard? I'm working on the problem. I told Stellar who got so excited she gave me a big hug. She's usually not that demonstrative. I was getting closer to breaking into the security system of the lab, when I got a really bad headache. I mean a bad bad headache, couldn't hear myself think anymore. Had to posptone. Oo-oo, aa-aaaaaa. Feeling blue.

thinking the plan

This is NOT a pic of Lil Jack dressed up and blissfully asleep for about 38 seconds, OK, not Lil Jack not in our cage!
Today we had a bit of time without too much supervision, as Blancatrix' assistant was watching the Olympics. We watch it too, but we had more important matters to work on. Miss Stellar opened the discussion.
- If we manage to get out of here, we're going to be spotted as soon as we're out the door. The whole country's police will be after us. Melba's clothes are the answer. I can stand on Xelsior's shoulders, we dress up with the clothes and we look like ... one human being. We'll be the Mom and Chimp-ion and Lil Jack will by our kids.
I objected.
- OK that Lil Jack be the kid. But moi? The most amazing, through thinking chimp on the planet? I think I should be part of the adult package.
- Because you're smart, you'll be more mobile being a single being, when we need a quick solution to our problems.
Stellar always has an answer to everything, she's a bit tiring.
Melba woke up from licking the inside of her paws.
- What about me?
- Maybe it's safer you stay here.
- Why? I don't want to miss out.
- Melba, you like your comforts, you hate disturbances. We don't know what might happen out there.
- I don't want to stay here without you.
I piped in.
- She can stand on my shoulders. We'll be the other adult, with just one kid.
- Maybe the Mom will have three kids. Unlike us chimps, humans can have loads of kids they take care of at the same time, put in Stellar.
- More than two? asked Melba.
For the rest of the day, Stellar practiced standing on Xelsior's shoulders while they walked around. Melba tried standing on mine, but after she fell a couple of times, she went sulking in a corner. The white coat checked on us a couple of times. He was a bit puzzled by the acrobatics, but more interested in the Olympic aerial acrobatics. By the end of the day, Stellar and Xelsior were getting the hang of it. We were settling down to sleep, when Melba put her head on Xelsior's shoulder. He groaned.
- What's up, Xelsior?
Both his shoulders were bruised to a pulp. Do you think he would have said anything? OOO-AAA, OOO-AAA Xelsior our chimp hero.

Update: Jack, Melba, etc.

It's been a while since I last updated you about the Biancatrix lab clan. That's us, Melba, Xelsior, Stellar, Lil Jack and myself your humble servant and most amazing chimp-ion in the world. To recapitulate. Lil Jack is mightily unhappy. And prevents us from having a decent night sleep. Melba has been gathering a certain amount of human clothes (poor guys with their disgusting hairless skin, they're forced to hide it under various ridiculous clothes). Xelsior is watching Rambo on the Internet and wants to blast his way out of here with hand grenade and automatic weapons (But, Xels, we ain't got no hand grenades. Let's build them, he says, pure soul). And Stellar thinks thinks and thinks. Last night she gathers us.
- What's for sure is that the Lil Jack situation can't go on. Agreed?
We all answered with tired, nodding "Ay".
- We need to get out of here. Because I'm, like, so fed up with being locked in here I could kiss a human out of desperation. To get some fresh air. To find Lil Jack's mother.
We were so stunned we could not speak for at least 30 seconds. Then we all talked at the same time for a long time. Nobody could understand nobody and suddenly we were all asleep, no idea how or when we vanished into dreams. We are all very excited, let me tell you. We went about our usual business today: eating, getting a bit of exercise, cleaning ourselves, doing dumb experiments with the Biancatrix' minions. But it was not business as usual. Oh no. The air between us was vibrating with excitement. And about that, more later. OO-OO-AA-AA.

yet another fantastic scientific discovery

From the New York Times (well, yes, I read all sorts of things, there is no stopping my brilliant mind):

"Yet monkeys have been around for 30 million years without saying a single sentence. Chimps, too, have nothing resembling language, though they shared a common ancestor with humans just five million years ago. What is it that has kept all other primates locked in the prison of their own thoughts? etc etc"

The ... the ... the arrogance of it! Humans are just so... so... so behind. Retarded. Slow. They think if they don't understand another species' language, it means those inferior beings don't talk. Wouldn't cross their mind that with their very limited senses (wait, here's the list, humans can hardly smell, hear really badly, sense of taste limited, sense of touch pretty awful, and vision average) they would not perceive the language of others. They just assume they are so superior. But here's a question for you all, apes, humans, aliens, worms, anyone who reads this blog: who has just completely messed up our planet so that's it's about ready to be discarded in the trashcan? Stupid monkeys? Stupid hares? Stupid lizzards? Huh? Huh? OO-AA OO-AA, say no more.

By the way, the pic above IS NOT ME working on a keyboard I'm putting together, OK?!!

Cat-a-strophe!

The Blancatrix. Wants to work with me on a series of exercises including blocks and letters. She's still convinced I'm a special case. Because most times I mess up her tests as if I were the stupidest of stupidest monkeys. Then I perform a series of tests brilliantly (because I am brilliant, that should be clear to all by now) and she scratches her head. Calls her assistant. Calls in other professors and they all look at me as if I were a brand new BMW. That's a fancy car humans salivate about, I saw the ads on everything. Anyway, I thought I was being smart, and now I'm stuck with blocks. As if I were a baby or something. And guess what that means: cut down my computer time. I mean, Xelsior has 20 times more access to the computers now, because he hasn't been deemed (good word, that, OO-OO AA-AA) such an interesting learning case. Anyway, Melba let me use hers while nobody's looking but I think I hear the assistant coming back, good bye, more later. OO-OO, AA-AA, OO-OO, AA-AAAAAAAAA.

sad for Haiti

I have been following the news on the Internet. Feeling really sad for the people of Haiti. I always felt my situation is the most desperate, and for once, I have to admit they need all the sympathy. Wish I could help them. I can only send them my cry of sympathy over the ocean: OO-OO, AA-AA, OO-OO, AA-AA. On a sad note.

Such a groundbreaking experiment

Did you see that show with that experiment on baby monkey rhesus? On TV last night? I mean, some guy in a white coat - I know, it was, like, 50 years ago, but believe me it's not that different now, check out Lil Jack, some guy in a white coat thinks, "wonder what would happen if we took a baby monkey away from his Mom". And the incredible result from that experiment is that they find out the baby monkey is unhappy. Wow. Rocket science.

I have a few experiments in mind myself. Take guy in white coat. Strip. Put in glass cage. Place glass cage in the middle of Time Square. Study the effect on the feeling of privacy of guy. Would he feel more privacy? Less privacy?

Take guy in white coat. Or woman, I'm not prejudiced, I'm not sexist. Deprive person of food for five days. Put person in front of food out of reach. Do they want the food more than before they were starved? Less?

Enragedly OOO-OOO-AAA-AAA-OOO-OOO-AAA-AAA. You've heard it before, it's my war cry. Oh yeah, and happy new year.

A war cry

On Christmas day we got a surprise visit from the Blancatrix. She brought us some lovely really fresh fruit and some sorbet. About half a teaspoon per chimp, but better than nothing. Some more hand me down clothes for Melba (there's progress here). And a few dumb toys for all of us, as if all we can do is throw a doggie ball around. Still I was amazed. Could it be that she has feelings? Feelings for us? It'd never crossed my mind.

Another thing. Xelsior has been watching movies on hulu and the like, things like Rambo and Hulk. I suspect he thinks they're real. That they're real people doing real stuff. Cute. He came to me all excited and told me and Stellar.
- I got it. For Lil Jack. We gotta fight our way out of this place and find his mother. It's that simple. With a few hand grenades and automatic weapons, we can do it.
Stellar and I didn't even have to say anything, like, uh, where would we get the grenades and weapons? Still we looked at each other. We looked at Xelsior who was pretending to shoot through the walls. We looked at Melba trying on her new dress up clothes. At Lil Jack sucking his thumb in a corner with a forelorn look in his eyes.
- He's got a point, said Stellar.
I nodded. More later. OO-oo-aa-aa, oo-oo-aa-aa. A war cry.

Byerk. It's Xmas Eve

Hello, out there, this is Chimp-ion talking. I am not in a good mood. I am in fact in a filthy mood. So filthy that I am not even putting a picture up. I've been putting up all these pretty pictures, and what do I get in return? Nothing. In fact you need to send me a picture for a change and I'll post it. Get it?

Anyway. Everybody's been soooo excited about Christmas around here. I'm talking about the hysterical animals in the white coats, not us noble creatures. Uh-hum. We're not looking forward to the holiday, because it means minimum staff, minimum attention, minimum food which is even less fresh than usual. I'm planning on retiring to a corner as we speak, and nobody bother me, OK? AAA-OOOOOO-AAAAA-OOO. Checking out.

A very angry Xelsior

This is not a picture of Xelsior this morning, OK, I repeat, not Xelsior!

Hum. Was Xelsior angry with me this morning. I thought maybe he would not realize I had unburdened Lil Jack on him, but if he's not a genius (that's me) he's not as dumb as I think him to be. He came all puffing steam at me:
- Hey, what did you think you were doing, having Lil Jack sleep with me? I didn't sleep a wink! I'm going to knock you out and you're going to sleep for a long long time.
Two things about Xelsior. Which prove that it was not a wise choice. He really really hates to be woken up, sleep is his thing, he says sleeping is the best part of his day. And when he gets mad he scratches and he bites and he's big, way bigger than me, even if we're about the same age. I tried to calm him down while jumping around to avoid his punches:
- Ok, ok, I didn't know. Sorry. We need to find a solution. Calm down now. Let's talk. Use words. Melba, Stellar, help! Heeeelp!
Finally, Melba and Stellar who were playing some kind of game in the corner came to my rescue. Stellar spoke first.
- We need to find a solution for Lil Jack.
- Well, yeah, I said, you haven't had him yet, I think it's your turn, Stellar.
She replied, very cool like, she can be really annoying.
- Try to be a bit more mature, Chimp-ion. We have a problem with Lil Jack and we need to solve it. Anybody has ideas?
- We could have him drink beer before he goes to sleep. That'll keep him quiet.
- Brilliant, Chimp-ion, brilliant. We're friends with Lil Jack, right? We like him?
We all had to agree we did like Lil Jack.
- The solution seems really simple to me. We need to find his Mom, added Stellar.
We were speechless.

Happinessss! SSSleep!!

Happiness. After four night of being kept awake by Mr. Lil jack, I have managed to unload the small adorable baby onto Xelsior. Tried the same trick Melba did on me: he's sooo cute. He soooo would like to spend some time with you, because you're soooo cool. He sooooo would like to spend the night with you. Xelsior should have suspected something, as i was so tired I could hardly stand on my paws. Legs. Whatever. Anyway gotta run because I'm falling asleep on this computer as I write. So, see you all soon, xoxoxo, and AAAAA-OOOOOO-zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

X - O - shion (exhaustion but I'm too tired to spell)

Melba pulled her sweetest face trick on me last night, and I was stupid enough to fall for it.
- Listen, Chimp-ion, Jack would loooove to sleep with you tonight... He thinks you're soooo cool.... I'd miss him, but just for a couple of nights, OK?
So Lil Jack came and we slept together. Let me rephrase this: he slept, I didn't. For a start, he couldn't go to sleep. He was sucking his little thumb, schluk schluk schluk schluk. Then he'd take his thumb out and tell me how much he misses him Mom. Yeah, well I've been there, I know what it's like. OK, I wasn't quite as small as Lil Jack, but still. I'd hug him, and cuddle him to quiet him down. Finally he felt asleep. I got ready to sleep, but five minutes later, I had his foot on my nose. Then he rolled over and his stomach was over my mouth. I pushed him off as gently as I could. He woke up and started crying. Stellar immediately starts yelling at me:
- Can't you comfort the poor thing?
Sigh. So I spent another half hour rocking him. Lil Jack is back to sleep. And he rolled all over me the whole night. I didn't want to push him off, as Melba and the others had been really aggravated. Today I'm sleep walking. Melba's giggling in corners. I'll get her for that. So is Stellar. Either I get Xelsior to take Lil Jack with him tonight, or I need to find another solution. More later. Aaaah Ooooooh (tired aaaaah, tired oooooh)

By the way, the image above is me exhausted. I made it on the computer. I know, it looks more like a human, Stellar already told me, but what can a chimp do, it's a program created by humans!

Sick and tired

I've been sick. It's been pretty miserable. And the photo above is NOT ME being sick and miserable, OK?! They took me away from my cellmates into a different room. I was alone most of the time, no computer, no TV, no magazines, just a few lame toys that even Jack wouldn't have fun playing with. Just lying there on my mat. No bed for us, oh no. I look up on the Internet these incredible beds with lacy sheets, big thick pillow, plump mattresses. I call Melba over, hey, come and check out what THEY sleep on. But back to my sick room.. I really wasn't feeling good. Every part of my body ached, my head hurt, my throat. Only treat: a kind of thick syrup they fed me in a funny plastic spoon with markings. The assistant forgot the bottle once near the mat. I drank almost the whole thing at one go, to make up for my miserable day. I left some, so it wouldn't be too obvious that I had swallowed the whole thing. When Blancatrix came for her turn to look after me, she looked at the level in the bottle and seemed a bit surprised. She looked at me, and I put on my most stupid look. Tried cute too, but I'm not as good as Melba at it. Anyway she left it at that. Finally after four days of solitary confinement, I was returned to my friends. They were very sweet, came and hugged me and scratched behind my ears. Even Jack was excited to see me. Apparently he's still really sad. Melba has taken him with her at night, he cuddles right up and cries himself to sleep.

Little Jack our new baby chimp

Unbelievable. We got a new inmate this morning. The youngest of youngest chimpanzee we've ever seen in a lab. What will they bring next? A newborn? I'm calling him Jack (not his real name, and the pic above is NOT of Jack, OK?). He's really cute. And has no idea what's happening to him. He's asking where his Mom went and when he'll see her again. I'm like, Jack, forget about your Mom, OK? Melba here is as sweet as any Mom. Melba cuddles him and rocks him to sleep, but Little Jack's having a hard time. Poor thing. I remember when they took me away from my Mom. How tough and unbelievable it was. And I wasn't as young as Little Jack.
Oh, I also wanted to let you know that I have the computer thing so under control! The computer room is next to the one where we sleep. End of the afternoon, I slip a few pieces of straw (Stellar braids them for me) between the door and the frame, where the lock is. The afternoon screw (Stellar's word, remember?) pulls the door behind him. That's enough to lock the door. I force myself to wait until I hear the main door close in the distance, and, tala, I pull on the straws, gently, gently, and the door opens up. Yipee. The night and the Internet are mine. See you later, I'm working on my facebook. Did you befriend me, huh, did you? Oo-oo-aa-aa-oo-oo-aa-aa!

Success but too big

Stellar was right again. I'm getting a little bit irritated that she's had all the great ideas recently. Well, the idea of using the razor for our ends was mine, and I'm proud of it. Anyway, believe it or not, it looks like Blancatrix is going to yield to Melba's cute behavior. Our charming mate has been pointing to the Blancatrix' clothes and making the "I want" gesture. She also points out at clothes on advertising pictures, etc. etc. Making the sweetest, most angelic face. Blancatrix has been all excited by all this. She's been in furious discussions with her favorite assistant of the moment, el Michael-o.
- Can you believe this, Michael? It's so interesting.
- Why do you think Melba wants clothes, Professor?
- I wonder if she's identifying with us. We need to investigate, it'll make a wonderfully interesting article.
Yesterday she brought in one of her old blouses. Melba put it on. It was way too big. Blancatrix was watching her and taking notes. Melba acted miserable because it was too big. She kept on walking on the sleeves and falling on her face. Hope the Blancatrix got the message and brings clothes which are the right size. Melba is hoping for the little outfit on the right. Will keep you posted.

Facebook! I'm in!

I am so excited. I'm on facebook! Yeah! And the joker who said facebook means food is in trouble! Now I'm hoping to make some friends, so look for me, chimp-ion Uh-hum, that's how you'll find me. They asked for a last name. Huh? A last name? Waddyszat? I haven't got a last name, lucky enough I have a first one, not all chimps are that lucky. So befriend me, I don't want to be the chimp on facebook who only has 2 friends. More tomorrow!

the clothes problem

We're working hard on the clothes. Well, thinking hard. We're stalling. Even Stellar hasn't been able to come up with anything dead solid. The only clothes we could have access to are the white lab coats our jailers wear when they're in here. I suppose they don't want to get dirty or something. I suggested stealing stuff, like jackets, hats, scarves of visitors, but that leaves our charming behinds naked and that won't do. Stellar has another plan which seems impossible to me. She says Melba who's very sweet should signal to the Blancatrix that she'd like to wear clothes. See where that gets us. By the way, Stellar says we should call our jailers "screws". Don't know why. As far as I'm concerned screws are these cute little metal things in equipment and stuff. If I manage to get a few out using my teeth and nails and I hide them inside a banana peel, it's a joy to see the whole team going insane, down on their knees crawling around the place. We pretend to be puzzled by their poor acrobatics.

Speaking of bananas, today I offered myself a pic of a big bunch of juicy looking fruit. Let me tell you, the fruit we get doesn't look like that. Usually comes in a mean looking plastic bowl, either too hard or too ripe. I mean, where do they get the stuff?

2 vaary important nyooz

Today you get a picture of a mighty cute chimp. It is NOT me. It's just a chimp, OK?

Now for the important business. I have two super important news for you. You know how pretty much Blancatrix and her assistants can do pretty much anything they like with us? Well check this out:

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/europe/article4220884.ece

Did you read it? I mean, did you read it or what? It says, and I read it's not some crazy chimp in a lab putting on a prank, that in Spain, apes (that's me and a few other dudes) have legal rights. Yep. Legal rights. Can't monkey around with chimps anymore in Spain, no stupid commercials on TV where we're made to look like fool. Over. Dignity at last. I can't get over it. Came across it as I was surfing for all things chimp on the Internet. That's news number one. Read below for news number two, which is not completely unrelated.

Do you remember how Stellar shaved her face and looked so weird? We were talking both of us how crazy that was. Would never have thought that under our cute brown hair, we'd look as ugly as them. Not quite as ugly, but still, a big shock. She said, can you imagine if we wore their clothes too, we could look like one of their young ones. And that's how we got the idea. Do I need to say more? If I do, you'll have to wait for next time, because I gotta get busy here. OO-aa-oo-aa, onward.